Raising a child, Raising a Parent...

Felt like the World's Worst Mum tonight.

Had just come back from a library reading session with Danielle (she made her first children's library card! Hooray!) and grocery shopping at TESCO. Was feeling rather fatigued (prob brought on by that 'monthly thing') and out of sorts. Really needed to just chill out and do my own things. So I plonked myself infront of the comp (bad, bad idea!) and starting reading my emails, going through my Kodak Gallery etc.

Before long (and not surprisingly), Danielle started fussing for attention and tried as I might to get her to sit down & look at some of her newly-borrowed library books, she bored easily since no one was reading them to her. Then I tried to get her to do her fav jigsaw puzzles. Not much success there either. She insisted that 'mummy' sit next to her and watch her complete them (and she can, all by herself, I might add!)... Every time I turned towards the computer screen, she would grab my hand from the mouse, and plead with me to play with her.

But I simply didn't feel like it? And I started getting rather annoyed - couldn't I just have 1/2 hour of peace? Just this time?

The last straw came when she hurled herself under the computer table and started howling! But blinded by my own selfish desires, all I heard were GRATING noises that were distracting me from my 'more important' emails and viewing my Kodak albums??!

Infuriated, I shouted at her to 'stop disturbing me!', flung her on her bed, covered her head with her duvet (to shut her up) and if that wasn't bad enough, threw her little stool on the bedroom floor!

After the 'drama' passed, what lay infront of me was a broken little girl - crumpled under her duvet, crying inconsolably & struggling to catch a breath between sobs (she is still flu-ey)...

Remember the movie 'You've Got Mail'? There's a scene where Tom Hanks' character, Joe Fox, forewarns Meg Ryan's, Kathleen Kelly, "... when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

That's what I felt. Remorse. I had let my daughter witness her Mum at her worst and ugliest. And I couldn't take it back...

And all she wanted was for me to play with her becoz Mummy was the only playmate she had? But how did I returned her affections? By being mean and cruel .

You know how you read 'Mother's Day' write-ups in magazines, and they do those interviews where they ask kids why they love their mummies? I alway endear to the ones where the kids say:

'Mum never once hit or raised her voice at me.'
'Mum would always choose to explain things and reason with me.'
'Mum was always patient.'

When I read such comments, I always aspire to be that one such Mum. A mum whom Danielle can look up to, feel safe with. A mum whom she can go to at any time because she knows I'll always be there for her, where her needs come first.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not about to 'spare the rod, and spoil the child'. Discipline is integral to a child's growing years as it teaches them limitations and in some cases, right from wrong.

But senseless shouting/screaming, hurling of furniture (or anything for that matter!), on the other hand, is uncalled for. Especially when the kid did nothing wrong but seek attention. Attention which her mum should have rightfully given her.

How selfish and reckless I was. I am.

Maybe some of you will say to me, 'to err is human', 'you're not perfect, Saggs', 'it's not easy being a 24/7 mum'. But I should've remembered by own Mum's words before I acted. She said, 'it's better to err on the side of kindness (or was it goodness?)'. And what she meant was, when it comes to disciplining a child, it's better to be kind, than be cruel.

I know no one has a manual on 'How to Be a Good Parent'. No one was born into the role. When we become parents, every day is still a lesson, every day is trial and error.

But some errors are better avoided, I guess?

Eversince becoming a 24/7 mum, I often ask myself what it is to be a parent? Surely that's a role of an adult. Am I an adult? When did I become one? When was that 'turning point' where I crossed over from being a child to becoming an adult?

I once saw a Korean drama that addressed this - 'an adult is one who puts the needs of others before himself'. Quite an overstatement perhaps, but not all together untrue. To be an adult is to be mature. Maturity is, as the dictionary puts it, 'fully developed in body or mind, as a person'. Therefore, an adult doesn't dabble in puerile, infantile behaviour such as screaming when she doesn't get her way or tossing things about to show her wrath. An adult tackles oncoming problems head-on. She should be level-headed, in control. Not spiral out of control.

Do my actions reveal I'm still v much a child then? A child who is grappling with adulthood, struggling to be a parent? How then can a child raise a child?

I am stumped.

All I can do now is pray for God to teach me to 'grow up!' (Steph, you used this word on me before, remember?) and take on adulthood and parenthood with gumption. I pray for Patience to put my child's needs before mine. I also pray for Forgiveness in falling short of my duties as a parent. We are but temporary custodians of God's child/children. We are 'chosen' to look after them, nurture them, in ways that are pleasing in God's sight.

Just as I've taken the route to being a parent, so must I endeavour to be a DARN good one. Before Danielle spreads her wings out to adulthood, I must ensure the memories of her childhood are fond ones - filled with laughter, enrichment, fun, kindness, but most of all, LOVE.

(Thank you Geri for your article 'How can a Parent Find Peace of Mind' sent a few weeks back. Reading it again today certainly put things in perspective for me.)