No ink on my quill, no fight in my spirit

I didn't blog over the past few days coz I was really disappointed with myself. And very frankly, wanted to go into recluse. A frequent 'escapist' mechanism I use on myself.

The weekend that just passed was actually a long weekend in the UK. They call it the 'Bank Holiday weekend'. We were supposed to spend a lovely weekend together, and hopefully attend the annual Notting Hill Carribean Carnival.

But we didn't.

Instead, I was busy moping and feeling like shit. And poor Danielle and Dee got the brunt of my raging emotions.

What sparked off this emotional reaction? Very silly-ly (and I say this only on hindsight), it was a comment someone made abt me. Heard from a friend that a friend had considered Dee and myself 'tao'. Oh man, you will not believe my reaction after that. All hell broke loose, and dams overflowed??!!

I really don't know what came over me. Was it just THAT time of the month (and it was) or had something been brewing within me, rearing its ugly head whenever there was even the slightest provocation?

Anyway, as expected, once I spiralled, I went down. ALL.THE.WAY.

I felt all my insecurities resurface and culminate to this great ugly mesh of self-denigration/self-deprecation of the worst kind.

In essence, these were the thoughts that ran through my mind (no chronological order, I might add):

I was upset I have been reduced to a brain-less housewife.
I was upset that I am not working = not earning money.
I was upset that I may not be confident to find work again coz am now brainless.
I was upset that now not only brainless, but still cannot make it as stay-at-home mum.
I was upset I am not a good enuf mum.
I was upset I have such low self-esteem.
I was upset I give up so easily, have no fight in me.
I worry that becoz of the way I am, Danielle will have no fight in her too.
I was upset I am sooo easily affected by things and what people say.
I was upset I still cannot control my emotions.
I was upset that Dee doesn't think my food is SUPER (???)
I was upset he didn't thank me everyday for cooking for him.
I was upset I forgot God's goodness in the midst of my self-afflicted misery.
I was upset that all these prove I am a hypocritical Christian and thus not worthy to spread God's word.

And to think that just a few days back, I was glorifying God for His goodness towards my family! How easily I forget. How easily I dismiss. And how I have hurt God...

I read this on Geri's blog just today and was overcome with shame again:
'Sometimes in the midst of a bad day, it can be easy to forget how blessed we are... and it is easy to succumb to our worries'. (How rite you are, Geri!)

I am a worrywart. And I dun even know why I bother? I mean seriously, why can't I just whole-heartedly commit it to God? I know 'what folly' it is to not submit to God's plans and let Him lead.

For the past few days, I know God's been prompting me with the following verses in God's Minute.

On 30/8, it read:
We are all Architects of our own future! The thoughts we
have today dictate what our future holds for us tomorrow.
Therefore a person who has positive thoughts shall have positive
results, just as a person who has negative thoughts shall attract
negative results in their life.

Therefore if we start our day by counting all of our blessings,
and then try to have positive thoughts all day, our hearts will be
indeed merry! And as it is written, "A MERRY HEART MAKES
A CHEERFUL COUNTENANCE, BUT BY SORROW OF THE
HEART THE SPIRIT IS BROKEN." ( PROVERBS 15:13 )

And today 31/8:
FINALLY, BE STRONG IN THE LORD AND IN HIS MIGHTY
POWER. ( EPHESIANS 6:19 ) For God has said "DO NOT FEAR,
FOR I AM WITH YOU; DO NOT BE DISMAYED, FOR I AM YOUR
GOD. ( ISAIAH 40:10 )

Despite reading all these and receiving love and reassurance from Dee and friends, I still struggle. I struggle to commit, but even more so, I struggle to have FAITH.

However, I am mindful of what Clara said to me. God does not influence free will. He gives us choices and He lets us decide. But no matter what, if we call on Him, He will be there to protect and guide.

With this, I am somewhat comforted that even as I struggle, I am not alone. The Lord is holding out His hand to me. Waiting for me to latch on.

And I hope I do.