Understanding what it means to be alone

For those who enjoy wholesome, well-scripted, old-fashioned movie classics, may I recommend 'Goodbye Mr Chips' (B&W) starring Robert Donat and Greer Garson? We recently acquired the DVD at HMV for 5 pounds and it is, in my opinion, worth every penny.

My love for movie classics began early and is attributed entirely to my dad. He would - and still does - fill his video library with a gamut of classics of varied genres - comedy, musical, drama, action, etc - making my siblings & I, the happy, fortunate beneficiaries.

Dad, I can't say this enough - thank you so much for enriching my life with these invaluable 'gifts'.

B-grader Dee - in a jaw-dropping moment - sat through the entire movie with me. So did Cheeks. I was pleasantly surprised that she was able to follow both plot and dialog. Intermittently, she'd turn to me and ask a question or two. Amongst them, this:

D: Mama, why did Dr Wetherby die?
M: He was very old, that's why. People die when they are old. When Mama and Papa are old, we will die too.
D: (sombrely) When you die, I will be all alone...

That one, single statement probably affected me more than it did her.

And it does nothing but strengthen my resolve that Danielle ought not be an only child.

** At this juncture, I feel it my moral duty to highlight the tiresome lamentation that is to follow. If you're unable to empathise with my pregnancy woes (not that you're expected to), do yourself a favour - navigate away now to spare yourself the annoyance at my endless drivel on the topic.

It has been over a year. Longer, if I choose to take count. But I choose not to. You understand why.

The start of 2008 has seen me question, increasingly, God's blueprints for my future. What exactly are His plans for me? Am I really to be a mother of one? I'd really like to know.

So many, many questions. I just wish I had answers for all of them.

I've been plaguing myself with these questions: Can I change the course of God's actions (i.e if His will is not what I desire)? Can I make Him change His mind and veer things towards my favour?

Oh I know, my thoughts are selfish and self-absorbed. Can I help it? I am after all human.

Do God's plans change along the way? Or are they etched in stone the minute we're born? I don't know. I'm conflicted.

And that sums up succinctly all that I've been feeling lately - I am angry, I am disconsolate, I am humbled, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am numb. I want to trust, but it's Faith I'm lacking.

I've been trying to talk myself out of this stupidity. Talking to Dee. Talking to God. But hey, He already knows.

I don't want to go against His best laid plans for me. I want to believe in His decisions. I want to accept them knowing they are what's best for me.

But I'm struggling. I'm trying to keep Faith and Hope afloat, but am finding it increasingly difficult to cling onto the lifesaver and simply 'leave things in God's hands'. And my 'acceptance' of the present situation is becoming somewhat perfunctory, laborious, fake.

Despite these, I know He's been reaching out to me. I see it through verses sent my way. Through sermons, hymns. Through the people placed lovingly in my life. That's just the way God is.

These messages leapt out at me the other day, and they definitely struck a chord:

• I know He will supply all my needs, so why can't I wait?
• I know He has a plan for me, so why am I rushing it because I am eager to do His will, when it is His time not my time? And,
• I know that whatever I ask of GOD, GOD will give me, so why am I scared to ask?

I know why, and I'll tell you. Because I'm afraid what I ask for is not part of His plan for me.

Thus, I've grown impatient and resentful. I have, up to this point, been asking unwaveringly for God to supply this one need, desire. Let me be a mother again. But my requests seem to have come to naught. With no positive response in sight, I've started thinking this is not part of God's plans for me. I am unwilling to wait. I don't want to be a mother to just one.

Which, in fleeting moments of lucidity, isn't so bad. At least I have one. And what a beautiful blessing she is in my life. I ought to be content.

I should be content, really. And feel blessed with all that God's bestowed on me.

I guess I could go on and on. But I think this has gone on for longer than it should've. I'm going to end off with this prayer. For me. To serve as a reminder to simply trust.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

...Faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen. (Hbr 11:1)