Worn
When I first moved here, I wasn't quite prepared to love living here as much as I do.
Yes, love.
Despite the wildly erratic weather, high living standards, issues that arise with being a 1-income family, having my wallet pickpocketed not once, but twice, having Tube travel plans incessantly thwarted by endless engineering work, the reserved English who are so hard to get to know, being treated like a second-class citizen, foreign worker, illegal immigrant, person who surely speaks no English.
I embraced it all.
Because I thought I could rough it out.
And (I think) I really put myself out there.
I made friends, explored London with Danielle, learnt bus routes, got to know local shop proprieters, and even some of the librarians by their first names (!!?), became friendly with the people at Starbucks, kept busy with planned playdates, walks, mini 'excursions', art/craft at home, dabbled in the odd cooking/baking session with Cheeks, leafed through (possibly) hundreds of childrens' books, watched all sorts of kiddy TV, surfed CBeebies, got active on my blog/Facebook.
But despite all these, I concede my life here is not real.
And for the first time, I feel ready to raise my white flag and succumb to that which I'm-not -quite-sure-what-I-am-succumbing-to.
I feel tired. Worn out.
I can't keep to the pace anymore.
I want to stop.
This surrender spells a number of things for me:
I thought I could give my daughter a chance of a 'different' life. A life where her achievements were NOT determined by an endless slew of box-ticking commitments. But I can't.
I thought I could live independently in another country, 10 thousand over km(s) away from those I love and cherish. But I can't.
I thought I am a survivor. But I'm not.
I thought I could be a good stay-at-home mum to my daughter, good wife to Hubs. But I can't.
I thought this little family was enough. But it's not.
Everything I thought I could be. I'm not.
There's a void that life here cannot fill.
Could that void be Home?
...
I don't know.
Perhaps I'm still reeling from Mel and JH's departure. Perhaps it's the sad, gloomy weather I've been cruelly subjected to since they left. Perhaps, as Hubs would put it, I simply relish making myself sad.
Or maybe it's simply Jay Chou. And the thought that if I was home, I could croon to his songs at some cheena KTV, till hoarse.
Everyone has their 'moment'. I guess this is mine, again? I know, I tend to spiral. Sorry if you had to subject yourself to the ramble.
But since you have, I'll let you in on what's been putting me in 'the mood'. Hubs is right, ain't he?
(Vick, if you're reading this, I think you'll like this song.)
3 comments:
It's strange, my dear friend. I'm going through exactly the same phase as you. I feel depressed, rotten and not motivated at all. Could this be the winter blues? For the first time in 3 years, I actually feel cold, really cold and it's only Autumn. Yesterday, Adrian had asked me to invite Dennis, cheeks and you to come over for steamboat. R u available next weekend? I recently got to know another Singaporean mummy living in Richmond. I'd told her about you and we're planning to meet up near her place soon. We all can go gila together. Huggie Hugs!
Hi Saggs, I think I can identify with what you've written and I've only been here half a year! It is hard being a SAHM and in a strange country at that. I went through a bad patch after my mum left. I missed home, the familiar, was tired of the effort needed to embrace the strange and felt claustrophobic as a SAHM. Still, I think you've done a fantastic job from what I've read. You have put yourself out there in a way I haven't. Do keep positive! Perhaps it takes more time. God will give you what you need :)
Huggles. Having lived in UK for about 3 years, I understand what it feels like. Despite it all, home does have a place. I used to spend time listening to Kit Chan sing "This is home truly..."
But no matter how you feel about home and how much you miss it, you deserve more than a standing ovation for being one heck of a good SAHM, a great cook, a supportive wife to Dennis, and a wonderful chi chi over the ocean.
I guess the Winter Blues and (I'm sorry about this -) not coming homw for Christmas is getting to you too. Big hugs.
Sorry I have been MIA-ing. Really hard trying to juggle making all those decorations with finding a place for the Wedding Ceremony, writing freelance, losing some weight that i put on again(sighs), buying materials and entertaining Kae as it is his Hols.
I miss talking to U online lots.
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